How to look after yourself when the news is difficult
I was minding my business when…
On Monday, I saw a post about a horrific incident that happened to a black woman named Dr Fortune. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It actually felt like I had been hit. I felt it in my body.
I immediately knew it was going to impact my mind and body for the next couple of days, weeks and months. Given the current climate, I was already holding a lot in my body. This took me to the edge. It is not just what happened, it is also the way it also brings up other painful histories.
As I predicted the last 2 days have been rough, my body is fatigued, slow and full of emotions. I immediately cancelled all non-client related things in my diary and slowed down. To really allow myself to feel my feelings.
I am grateful for the privilege private practice affords me to do this. It made me think of how systems typically force us to ‘push through’ and be productive regardless of the issues and calamities in and around us. Often it is in opting out of these systems be it in work, education, etc. that we can go at our own pace. I hope that wherever you are, whatever system you are in, you can give yourself some compassion, especially if you are limited in your choices.
My progress
I am proud of the ways I have allowed myself to slow down and grieve this huge loss without judgement. I think of Dr Fortune, I think of Daniel, I think of Damilola. Their precious lives, their families. It is too much.
And yet, my work has taught me that avoiding these feelings is not helpful long term. Allowing space to grieve, rage and cry is important. Just a few years ago, I would have been so confused at my body reaction, my foggy mind, I would have said, ‘what is going on?’ ‘Why am I feeling like this?’
Now, I anticipate it. I knew I would feel like this as soon as I saw her picture and heard the news. I don’t judge it, I welcome it as evidence of my humanity. Therapy has been so helpful for me in getting to this place as well as numerous other resources such as books, podcasts and films.
Joy in the midst of darkness
I’ve also been staying connected to joy, noticing glimmers and practicing a childlike wonder when I do see beautiful or encouraging things. I have been able to notice these even in the last few days and have been able to allow myself to feel multiple feelings. Rage, grief can live alongside joy. It has made me appreciate life more even, holding me back from falling into despair. I’m going to hold onto this more.
It has me thinking about the ways social media as a form of entertainment and a news source is very tricky. One minute, you are watching videos of cute babies, then boom, you are hit with an account of unspeakable violence. It really is something to think about and it is important to take a trauma informed approach to social media. Especially, if you are someone with a history of trauma.
I’m still processing and thought I’d share some things that have helped me navigate this and so many of the other atrocities happening all over the world.
Things that have helped me navigate difficult news. Take what you need sis.
Go outside:
Being outdoors naturally grounds you and can give you a sense of perspective.
This one can be a bit tricky to access if you are feeling super anxious. When my anxiety was at its worst back in 2019, I was afraid to leave the house. Going for my regular walks was getting harder and harder and I noticed I needed someone to come with me to feel safe. This made me realise that I needed specialist help. If you are also here or experiencing something similar, it is worth considering speaking to a professional for specialised support.
Move your body:
It’s really important to notice the ways diet culture and fatphobia steal exercise from you and make moving your body always about loosing weight or even self-punishment. When I say, move your body, I’m talking about moving it in ways that feel good. In ways that allow you to discharge some of that energy and tension that is caged inside. Often our bodies have so much wisdom for us. It might sound weird but they can tell us exactly what movements we need. And we can get better at listening to them especially if we are willing to separate this movement from ideas of performance. We can listen to our bodies by exploring movement that feels good over ‘perfect moves’ or an ‘excellent’ workout.
Prioritise art:
Art of all kinds, music, poetry, books can help us when our own worlds and emotional landscape feels empty or things generally just feel overwhelming to process. With art, you can find ways to bypass the parts of your brain that rely words and go straight to feelings. Try making a playlist of music that helps you to release emotions that you struggle with. You may find a familiar sitcom supportive right now. Experiment and remember, it’s about progress not perfection.
Be in community:
Who in your community can you reach out to? With whom do you have some safety to talk to about how you are really feeling? Sometimes community can be found online, in therapy/ support groups, family and friends. Not everyone has access to the same kinds of community so try not to compare yourself when it comes to this. The key is to start where you are.
Practice curiosity:
Instead of berating yourself about how you feel by saying things like, “I shouldn’t be feeling so x”. Try practicing curiosity instead by asking, “ I wonder what this is bringing up for me?” “When in my story have I felt x?” “ How was this feeling perceived within my family of origin?” “How do we as a society treat people who feel x?” What might this tell you about the ways you have learned to engage with yourself when feeling your feelings?
Notice the part of you that might be showing up critically to get you to “stick with the plan”. What might this part be trying to be avoid? Instead of being harsh or judgemental with it, notice how it might be trying to help, (even if it isn’t actually helpful).
Do less:
As much as is possible, allow yourself to do less. I want to acknowledge that you may have limited freedom to do this and the less access to resources you have, the harder it will be. One way this can happen is by lowering your standards and adjusting expectations. Maybe you planned a dinner with 5 steps and you simply do not have the capacity for this as you navigate an abundance of feelings. How can you simplify the plan? Perhaps jollof, chicken stew, plantain and salad turns into rice and grilled chicken/rice and beans… Freeze things if you can. It’s not forever, you won’t turn into a lazy so and so if you adjust your menu for a little while.
The complexities of caregiving
I want to acknowledge that doing less can be especially hard if you are a caregiver. Lowering the standards affects someone else or may even feel like failing them in some way. I remember being a new parent and wanting to make changes in regards to feeding and this brought on so many feelings of inadequacy.
Rescources can help
One thing that helped was having access to a book that helped me locate the problems at a systemic level and this helped me to stop believing that my feeding challenges were some sign of failure on my part and that they were more a reflection of systemic failures. This helped relieve some shame and helped me to validate my story. In this way, resources specific to your particular area of caregiving can be really useful.
What books, podcasts, communities/support groups might be able to support you at this time?
Think systemically:
The capitalist system sets an expectation for us to produce above all. This can mean you feel pressure to ‘push through’ and be productive regardless of the issues and calamities in and around us. Critiquing systems helps us to name these unsaid pressures, and take the blame off ourselves. This can give us more agency and help us to take actionable steps to counteract these forces as much as is possible. I hope that wherever you are, whatever system you are in, you can give yourself some compassion, especially if you are limited in your choices.
You may also find that other powerful ideas become apparent. Perhaps it is a religious institution telling you to minimise anger or sadness and instead focus only on prayer and appeasing authorities.
Consider your intake:
Social media as a form of entertainment and a news source is very tricky. One minute, you are watching videos of cute babies, then boom, you are hit with an account of unspeakable violence. It really is something to think about and it is important to take a trauma informed approach to social media. Especially, if you are someone with a history of trauma.
Vicarious trauma is real and we need to be free to limit our access to difficult stories, not to avoid them, but to engage when you are actually prepared for them. This might be limiting access to certain accounts and accessing accounts or news in general at specific times of the day when you are well resourced.
Feel all the feelings:
It might feel like a good idea to stuff the feelings down in order to get on with things. But my work has taught me that avoiding these feelings is not helpful long term. Allowing space to grieve, rage and cry is important. I’ve also been staying connected to joy, noticing glimmers and practicing a childlike wonder when I do see beautiful or encouraging things. I have been able to notice these even in the last few days and have been able to allow myself to feel multiple feelings.
Remember, rage & grief can live alongside joy. Feeling all my feelings has made me appreciate life even more, it has held me back from falling into the pit of despair. I’m going to hold onto this even more in the coming weeks and months. This may be the trickiest one, learning to feel in ways that feel safe. You may need support with this if you are feeling vulnerable. This is normal. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with you.
Which ones resonate with you the most? If you need support and are ready to start online therapy, arrange an intro call today.