How to Stop Carrying Everyone Else’s Load: 3 Steps to Letting Go of Over-Responsibility

Sometimes people give silly advice 

I remember being on the edge of burnout and I felt like I couldn’t keep surviving in the way I was. Writing my dissertation, working 3 jobs and trying to have a social life. I was also trying to be a dutiful daughter, friend, sister, fiancé.

I remember knowing that I needed to make changes, that I needed to let some things go and have more space in my diary. I went to talk to someone about it. At the time, I thought I was looking for advice, but looking back now, I can see I was looking for permission.

Needless to say, I didn’t get it. I was hoping they would agree with my thought that I needed to let step down at church from at least one of my serving teams. They didn’t. They said that there is never a time to, not be serving in church. I remember feeling really confused and in my gut I knew that didn’t make sense.

For them, you always had to be doing something “for God” and if it wasn't “in church”, it wasn’t for God. No matter the season of life, no matter your health, ability/disability or whatever circumstance you could think of, it was not ok in their book. They advised that I push through and ignore my limits. So I did. It would be years had the courage and support to make changes.

Now looking back on the conversation over 12 years later, I can see that not only was this a very ableist statement, it was evident that this person had issues with black and white thinking. But what is clearest to me now is that they were struggling with over-responsibility. 

First Daughter and over-responsibility

In my experience, and talks with first daughters from different walks of life, we tend to have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. This usually comes from having to take on significant responsibilities in our families of origin at an early age. We can feel very anxious and have this impending sense of doom. Feeling that if we take our eyes off the ball, something devastating will happen and it will somehow always be our fault.

With this is mind, being responsible and reliable becomes a skill and can also become a core part of our identity. It is what we are known for in our family units and also soon becomes what makes us stand out in our friendship circles and work places. Because of this, we can struggle with seeing our value outside of this role. 

Advice to my younger self (and maybe you too)

Issues start to arise when the patterns that once served us, no longer do as we grow older. That feeling of doom I mentioned earlier, it probably would have been accurate in your childhood, when you needed to be on guard and hypervigilant. You may have actually felt in your body that you were at risk of harm if you ‘dropped the ball’. This is an immense thing for any one to bear, let alone a child or young person. And even though you have grown up, this feeling can linger keeping you tense and unable to feel at ease.

As adults, we tend to need different skills and to wear different hats in order to adapt and grow with changing challenges and shifting seasons. In order to allow ourselves to know more ease and joy, we need to address the imbalance we have when it comes to responsibility taking.

Looking back, instead of taking that bad advice, I’d give myself these 3 tips to start to become a little less responsible. (Take what you also might need).

1. “Ayo don’t sign up for any more serving roles at church. In fact, you need to step down from at least 2 things ASAP”.

As someone with a high value for responsibility, you are likely to see a need, automatically have a strong desire to fulfil it. You probably see “spare” time in the calendar and think, "I'm available and so I must”. You may also follow this desire even when it causes you harm. 

If you attend church, you are likely to already be signed up to multiple serving roles. Think twice before signing up or another one. It is often the overly responsible amongst us that will respond to calls for help. Whilst those with a less developed sense of responsibility, sit back, This doesn’t mean that they are bad or irresponsible people. It just means they have other values that take priority (e.g values for fun, vision, focus, creativity etc..). And these values dictate how they spend their time and energy.

Also, if these people often look up and see the spots are filled and the roster is full, they probably won’t see a need! Sometimes the people who always fill the need need to make space and deal with the discomfort that arises in them when they see the need is not being met. 

It’s also tricky because giving into other’s needs over a prolonged period of time means that you have also had to learn to shut yourself off from your own needs for an extended period. This makes it hard to even know what you want or what you even think. Leaving space for others with bigger personalities to take up space in your mind and life. In addition, it does not help that church spaces often use language that makes it hard to say no. I mean if a preacher says, it is “God’s will that 30 people sign up for this community project” and you are available that night, how can you argue with God’s will? 

In spaces that give high emphasis on things like God speaking, Holy Spirit, accountability and honouring leaders, it can be extra hard for people like you to know what you want, where you start and other’s end. Making it even harder to not be carried away by other people’s desires.

But I’m here to tell you that, you are not less faithful or godly for limiting the amount of time you spend giving and serving. You are addressing an imbalance, a tendency to over-give and a pattern that leaves you in cycles of burnout. This is true even when people around you don’t get it or disagree.

2. “Notice the ways you are be more invested in other people’s growth than they are”.

Allow yourself to think critically about who profits from your labour. Practice being more discerning. Honestly ask the following:

• In what places and with what people am I continually drained?

• Where am I doing lots of work and others are walking free and unbothered?

• Who constantly expects me to be available? How might I be overly accommodating?

These questions might be hard to ask yourself at first. You may sense a huge amount of guilt for even considering these questions. You may also notice anxiety creeping up, warning you that there is a threat ahead if you venture further. Take you time, but I encourage you to really think through these questions without judgement. Notice what come sup in your body. Do you feel tension, heart racing? These body signals are telling you something important. They are giving you quality information. Don’t assume that it’s because you are thing something bad. It is more likely that you are getting closer to the heart of the issue telling you that something needs to change. Almost like when a metal detector is getting closer to the treasure.

So, you know that person who keeps calling you for advice that they never take? You may need to limit the amount of effort you give them and their problems. You don’t have infinite energy. It is ok to be discerning and wise when it comes to who, when and how others get your time and energy.

3. “Rethink phrases like, ‘Thank God I don’t look like what I've been through”. 

This one is my absolute favourite because sis, sometimes you need to look scattered. I hear a LOT of people praising God about how they cry in secret and yet look good in public. With no one to rely on to see them in their vulnerable moments, they are alone and always “pushing through”. This seriously needs to be addressed. Why? Because you deserve so much more than this. 

When we take up the position of the giver, the care taker, we get used to it and take up these positions in our relationships. Being seen struggling is a part of how we take up a different position. We have to risk being seen in this way, if we are going to address the wound we have about not being seen, and about all the ways we have been missed emotionally.

I know this is hard. I especially think of Black women who are more likely to be told to be ‘thankful’ and ‘joyful’ above all other emotions and through every circumstance. In her wonderful book, ‘Too Heavy a Yoke: Black Women and the Burden of Strength’, Dr Chanequa Walker-Barnes looks at the historical, social and theological influences that mean that Black Christian women are more likely to be met with phrases like, “God won’t give you more than you can bear”.

Whilst on some level, I’m sure some people mean these to be encouraging, the actual function of these phrases is to silence Black women and place them back into boxes that helped to maintain stereotypes like the Strong Black Woman. Because of this, the risk of being seen and shamed or left hanging is so high. And yet it is the only way to heal the wound.

You don’t have to be open with everyone about everything but you need to allow some trusted people to see you and what you are going through. The best thing about this is, you can learn the skill of how to find and identify these people and how to cultivate these relationships slowly, safely and steadily. It starts with you though. You can’t wait for others to change. You have to show up for yourself first by rejecting oversimplified statements like this.

To say, “Thank God I don’t look like what I've been through”, sounds noble and yet it is a very unrealistic burden to bear. It pushes you to the extremes and strips you of your humanity.

Give yourself the gift of being truly seen

Each of these tips is a small and powerful gift you can give yourself to allow you to start to unwind yourself from the binds forces have tried to keep you in. If you need help with this and are ready to seek support from a therapist. Book an intro call today, I’d love to hear from you.