Why Lowering Your Standards May Pleasantly Surprise You
The Allure of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is something that is highly rewarded in our society. Because of this, there is often lots of positive reinforcement. A promotion at work, more opportunities to serve at church, being the ‘go to’ authority in your friendship group etc.
This also spills over into other areas though… you become the one who books family events, remembers every birthday, and always has the final say—because no one else does it quite like you.
Over time, this can shape how we see ourselves. But this pressure to perform doesn't exist in a vacuum.
The Bigger Picture: Structural Inequalities
Many of us have grown up with messages like: “You have to work twice as hard to get half as far.” These beliefs are rooted in very real structural inequalities. They teach us that our survival or success depends on striving. This can often mean that there is a scent of fear around us from an early age. We might get a sense that a lot is riding on our success and the praise we receive when we do achieve, can alleviate this ominous presence momentarily spurring us on in our pursuit of perfection. This quiet (or not-so-quiet) fear under the surface keeps us on guard and our nervous systems alert.
The Emotional Cost
The difficulty is that, when these seeds are being planted, we often do not know that they will reap fruits like anxiety and dissatisfaction. Perfectionism causes our self worth to be overly dependent on striving and achievement. With wins, we might feel high, but when we have losses, we reach extreme lows as it often feels like it reflects something about us personally. Sadly, even when things do go well, perfectionists are often unable to actually take stock of their achievements or appreciate them fully.
Perfectionism as a Trauma Response
Over the years, I have come to understand that perfectionism is a type of trauma response. It is our body’s way of making sense of difficult situations. When people think of trauma, they think of earth shattering events but this does not have to be the case. Trauma is unique to each individual and what traumatises one person does not necessarily do the same to another. The word trauma can also feel insurmountable. But it does not have to be. When it comes to perfectionism, we can unintentionally approach recovery with the same energy. Thinking that the same inflexible and high standards are also going to help us overcome our issues. But as I have often heard on Insta, the words of Audre Lord are true, “For the master’s tool will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change”.
Try Lowering Your Standards
Instead of inflexible high standards, we need to actually lower our standards. Instead of viewing our worth as tied to our performance, we need to find our identity outside of our ability to strive and achieve. Lowering your standards does not have to be in all areas, it may be that you allow yourself to lower it in areas that are not your priority right now. You may find that you want to focus on your career to secure a certain promotion and you are willing to allow standards in how you take care of your home. This allows you to have more realistic expectations of yourself and respcet your true capacity.
It's Hard—And That’s Okay
Depending on where you are on the spectrum and what kind of perfectionism you struggle with, making a move like this may actually increase anxiety in the short term. You are probably noticing some anxiety just reading this!
That’s your nervous system reacting to what it perceives to be a threat. After all, perfectionism has been part of your identity for a long time.
This is where therapy can help. A trained therapist can support you in:
Identifying how perfectionism shows up uniquely for you
Developing sustainable, small shifts (not overwhelming overhauls)
Creating tools to manage the discomfort that comes with change
Because here’s the thing: perfectionists often believe they have to figure it out alone. But learning when and how to lower your standards is a skill—and like any skill, it can be learned with support.
You do not need to do it on your own.
Ease Is Not Laziness
As a recovering perfectionist, I know that making changes and learning new skills is worth the hard work. Contrary to your fears, it won’t make you loose out or miss your goals. It will actually help you achieve your goals and with more ease. Most importantly, instead of falling into the usual patterns of overwhelm, burnout and self-criticism, it will help you make your success more sustainable in the long term.
If this sounds like something you’d like to work on, I would love to support you. Book an introductory call today.