The Boundary Isn’t the End—It’s the Beginning of Real Connection
What I First Thought Boundaries Were For
I recently attended a workshop for therapists thinking about boundaries in their private practice and for our professional lives. The facilitator asked us what first comes up for us when we hear the word boundary. I was surprised that my initial thought was ‘gate’ or ‘line’. For me, it also had connotations of protecting myself and my mental, emotional and or physical space. The reason I say I was surprised is because I did not realise I thought of boundaries in this way. The word association activity caused me to pause and reflect on why I thought about boundaries in this way. I immediately realised that this was because of where I was in my life when I first learned about Boundaries.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
When I was first introduced to the idea of boundaries, I was so grateful. One of my pastors at the time lent me a copy of Boundaries by Henry and Cloud after listening to me talk about an issue I was having with a friend. I was blown away because the book helped me to put my finger on a feeling I had been having for what felt like my whole life. It was way deeper than I initially thought and went way beyond this particular friendship. I finally understood the struggle, had words for it and most importantly, I now had a solution.
To put it simply, that book changed my life and helped me come to terms with a life long struggle which was feeling like I had no choice in matters. It helped me to see that I actually did. I had a voice, I could use it and I could say no to people. This pretty much cemented in my mind the concept of boundaries as a wall, a defence. A way of stopping other people from getting onto my territory or taking up space in my life in ways that I did not actually want them to. It was liberating.
When You’ve Always Made Room for Others, Boundaries Feel Like a Wall—At First”
The fact is boundaries were something I desperately needed, a way to push back against other people's agendas that were too often creeping into my life. These left little room for my thoughts and beliefs. It was only in implementing boundaries that I actually realised I did not even know what I thought about so many things, and I was not used to checking in with myself. This was because other people’s thoughts, beliefs and series so often took precedent. As you can see then, this is why the idea of boundaries as a gate, a defence and a way of keeping others out was so important to me. It rightly so, I desperately needed a ‘wall’ or ‘line’ to stop falling into this predictable pattern with people.
However, in over focusing on the function of the boundary as a ‘wall’, I was unknowingly making it all about keeping people out. And in doing so, I was missing out on all of the other functions of a boundary. Boundaries are not just about keeping others out in order to take back space in your life. Boundaries are also how we maintain connection with others. You might be thinking how can both of these things be true? Let me explain.
Boundaries Aren’t Just to Keep People Out—They’re to Keep Relationships Whole”
You see, what happens when someone is dominating a relationship? If person A is always the priority and their needs are always taken into account over and beyond that of person B, the relationship is likely to become very unsatisfactory for person B. (I would argue it would also become unsatisfactory for person A but that is a story for another time). This can lead to person B feeling resentful and frustrated. If person B is then introduced to the concept of boundaries after dealing with this situation for a long time they may overfocus on boundaries as the wall or gate they have been needing.
This is not wrong, in fact they are well within their rights to see it this way and it would make a lot of sense. However, it could be that boundaries are the key to maintaining the relationship in a way that prioritises the needs of both parties. I love this quote by Prentis Hemphill because it illuminates this so well. ‘'Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously'.
This focus on loving both the boundary enforcer and the boundary receiver shifts the perspective so that the intention here is to care for both parties and to no longer prioritise one's needs over the others. It also highlights the boundary itself as that protective space that allows the relationship to thrive and not be overcome by prior patterns, forces or agendas.
Boundaries Are Where You Begin to Matter Too
In my experience, it is really important for people who have spent their lives as person B to know that enforcing boundaries does not have to make them mean or selfish. A big part of this is about being clear on the focus on the boundary. The intention behind the changes you are making are about caring for yourself as much as you care for others. This is really important for people who have been known as the strong or responsible ones who have been trained to prioritise the needs of others above all else.
If you can re-frame boundaries as being less about keeping people out and more about creating space for your needs as well as those of others, the energy with which you engage in the conversations about the boundaries will automatically be different. You are more likely to train yourself to value what is mutually beneficial for all those involved. You allow yourself space to see your needs as important as others. This will leave you more focused on maintaining connection than keeping people out. And with this focus in mind, you are more likely to improve your relationships for the better because you will be protecting the relationships from the resentment and frustration that usually accompany your pattern of prioritising others' needs above your own. In this way, it is not only about improving your relationship with others but also your relationship with yourself.
So it is ok to come to boundaries thinking of them as a way to gain control and keep people from taking up too much space in your life. In fact, for people who have been overresponsible, this is an important function. However, if we can develop our idea of boundaries beyond this, and notice that it is truly about caring for ourselves as much as we care for others, we will see that boundaries are actually a powerful tool for connection.
You’re not wrong for needing space. You’re not selfish for asking for it. Boundaries don’t push people away—they let everyone show up fully, including you.