How to be the Parent You Needed
What is reparenting?
I am not sure exactly when I was first introduced to the concept of reparenting but I remember hearing it and rolling my eyes a little as if to say ‘here these oyinbo people go again’. Another fancy therapy word that does not really have its roots in reality. It took a minute for me to actually listen to people talk about this concept and take it seriously. Maybe that was because I was in the throes of real life parenting and that already felt like a LOT to deal with. The thought of another kind of parenting was kinda rough. So, I initially dismissed it and didn’t want to even consider whether it had any value.
But when I finally had enough emotional and mental space to hear what it was about. I was blown away. In many ways, it was exactly what I was trying to do with my kids. I was trying to give them the space that I did not have growing up. To parent differently and show up for them in ways I wish I was received as a child. Now reparenting is a huge topic and will definitely not fit into this one blog post, but essentially, it is about the adult you learning how to give your inner child all the care and support you may have lacked from your parents or caregivers.
Parenting- The ideals vs the realities
The idea is that there is a child part of you (or many child parts) that are very much present today and are still in need of what they did not get. In an ideal world, our experiences of childhood would have been filled with physical and emotional safety and we would have always been met with unconditional love. Unfortunately, this is hardly always the case and especially so for children of immigrants who have often been forced into a world they did not choose.
This is a sensitive topic because often our parents were doing the best with the tools they had and realities like colonisation, forced migration and intergenerational trauma can make it even more complicated. Talking about reparenting can feel like we are trying to erase our parents' efforts. But it does not have to mean this. I am a strong believer that two things can be true at the same time and it’s really important to be able to hold two seemingly opposite or at least different ideas in tension.
Why First Daughters of Immigrants Need to Reclaim Play
If you know me, you know that first daughters of immigrants hold a dear space in my heart. I notice that many of us have learned to be ‘special’ or different through how much we serve and tend to others. Often this recreates a pattern from childhood where we learned our value was in how much we could give or how well we could play the role of an extra parent.
Learning to give our younger selves what we did not have often looks like establishing boundaries with our time and energy and truly taking up space in our lives. But it does not stop here, there is a crucial and overlooked part of healing our inner child wounds that I’d like to focus on a bit more and this is allowing our younger selves to play.
Yes, you heard me right. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense, if you were a child who had to ‘grow up fast’ or were parentified, it is likely that you lost out on time to be silly and playful. As an adult, you may find a lot of comfort and familiarity being busy and productive. You may also find that your worth is attached to your ability to produce and of course our hypercapitalist environment here in the west really amplifies this way of being, making it hard to even imagine another.
If reparenting is about tending to our old wounds in the present, then giving yourself time to play is crucial to healing. Now what is interesting about this is that if you do identify with what I have said so far about being overresponsible and overworked, you are also likely to bring that same energy to how you play. What I mean by that is it may be easy to over-think play and try to do it ‘perfectly’. This of course is impossible and really dampens the spirit of what you are trying to achieve.
Practical Tips for Reparenting Through Play and Creativity - Hint! Don’t let perfectionism hijack it!
To keep perfectionism at bay when trying to incorporate play in your life, here are some things to consider:
Be silly.
Allow yourself to really let loose. It can be worth starting with something like putting your favorite song on and moving your body in a way that allows you to tap into a childlikeness. Have you ever seen a toddler, really going for it when dancing? You know when they really don’t care and aren’t trying to get anyone’s attention. Invoke this spirit when moving your body. Remember this is not a performance. Notice if you start judging yourself by saying things like, ‘I used to be so good at dancing, what happened?’ or ‘This is so stupid’. What is it like to notice these thoughts and continue anyway?
Start simply
Lower the bar by starting with 2-5 mins. And I don’t mean 2-5 mins a day, I literally mean 2-5 minutes. I know how easy it is to make this into an epic challenge but I want you to resist this urge. Instead of saying, ‘ I am going to do 20 mins of drawing after work every weeknight’, why not try, ‘Tomorrow, I’m going to set a timer of 5 minutes and draw a picture’. Notice what this brings up for you. Learn to sit with the range of feelinsg that might appear. They may not all be pleasant feelings. This is ok and very normal. The chances are there is some grieving that needs to take place.
Look for clues in your past
What activity did you really enjoy as a child? Maybe you did not have the time to do this as often as you would have liked? I want you to think of something where you are an active participant like drawing, dancing, crafting. Instead of something passive like watching TV. What is one small thing you can do to explore this activity this week?
Reparenting Doesn’t Mean Rejecting Your Faith — It Can Deepen It”
I know for some Christians—especially those from Pentecostal or charismatic traditions—words like “inner child” or “reparenting” can feel uncomfortable. They can sound like spiritual danger or “New Age” teachings. But what I’ve come to learn is that reparenting, at its core, is simply about offering care, compassion, and consistency to the parts of us that didn’t receive what they needed. It’s really about showing up for yourself and if it is helpful for you to see it this way, it can be a beautiful way of partnering with God in your healing journey.
In the end, tending to our inner child is more than establishing boundaries, it is also about giving ourselves space to tap into our creativity and freedom. To do this we need to learn to give ourselves some of what we lost on the road to adulthood. The child in us is very much present waiting for us to be the adult we needed. For many of us, the first step in this healing journey is one playdate away and worthwhile journey.
"Have you ever hesitated to explore inner child work because it felt too 'out there'? You're not alone. I'd love to hear your thoughts — what part of this resonated most with you?"